What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is an interpersonal style underpinned by confidence and self awareness. It’s also an integral part of managing relationships, conflicts and competing priorities in the workplace.

Rather than a trait that people either have or don’t have, assertiveness is a skill that can be learnt. It involves verbal, para-verbal and non-verbal components.

Why is it so important?

A lack of assertiveness may be one reason that your feelings or needs are not acknowledged or met by others.

Developing skills in assertiveness can also improve communication with colleagues, managers, clients and other external stakeholders.

What are some examples of assertive behaviour?

• Starting, changing, or ending conversations
• Sharing feelings, opinions, and experiences with others
• Making requests and asking for favours
• Refusing others’ requests if they are too demanding
• Questioning rules or traditions that don’t make sense or don’t seem fair
• Addressing problems or things that bother you
• Being firm so that your rights are respected
• Expressing positive and negative emotions.

What prevents us from being assertive?

Anxiety and stress

It may be that we know how to be assertive but we get so anxious that we find we can’t carry out the behaviour.

Self-defeating beliefs

We might have unrealistic beliefs and negative self-statements about being assertive, our ability to be assertive, or the things that might happen if we are assertive.

E.g. “It’s uncaring, rude or selfish to say what you want”; “If I assert myself I’ll upset the other person and ruin our relationship.”

Perceived skills deficit

We may feel we don’t have the verbal and nonverbal skills to communicate in an assertive manner, resulting in avoidance.

Tools for assertiveness

There are certainly learnable tools that can facilitate assertiveness. They fall into three broad categories: emotional and social intelligence, assertive body language and verbal skills.

Emotional and social intelligence

• Connecting with, understanding and listening to others
• Understanding the communication styles of others and how to manage these
• A self-awareness and an ability to regulate your own response and internal experiences.

Assertive body language

• A relaxed facial expression
• Maintaining direct eye contact
• Maintaining an erect posture
• Speaking clearly and audibly
• Using facial expression and gestures to add emphasis to your words.

Verbal skills

• Being direct by stating exactly what you feel or think
• Not relying on your actions to tell the story
• Tackling the problem, not the person
• Dealing with specifics, not generalisations
• Using “I” statements, which implicitly acknowledge that people may see things in different
  ways
• Learning why we may have trouble saying ‘no’, which contexts we find especially difficult,
  and how to say ‘no’.

If you’d like to brush up on assertiveness, Caraniche offers a range of training courses to support the professional development of employees and managers, including Assertiveness and Communications Skills.